Innocence
by Twisted Mind of a Spy
Summary: Irina looks back at the last 20 years from meeting Jack to post the "telling" spoilers for the "telling"


Innocence  
  
I was 18 years old when the KGB recruited me. I was honored to be given the chance to serve my country. I thought that by joining them I would be able to have a better life. And I did, but not really. I became Laura, who met, fell in love with, seduced, married, and deceived Jack Bristow for 10 years. She bore him a daughter, Sydney, the only honest part of the whole mission. For ten years, I lived this life. I lived and I loved, I loved Jack so completely without bounds. I did give up my life for him. I loved Sydney my beautiful daughter so much. But the day that call came, I knew that if I loved them as much as I knew I did, this was the only way. As my car plunged into the icy waters of the river, Laura dissolved away. I was no longer Laura Bristow. I had no family; my family was dead because of my selfishness. I was and still am plagued with guilt. But I had no choice, I never did. My heart was open, raw from the pain.  
  
Kashmir was what all nightmares were made of. I had entered hell; I was being punished for my sins. I was a horrible person. Every scar on my body is a reminder of my sacrifice. I wanted to tell Jack so many times. I had so many chances to break this illusion that I was forced to hide behind. But my sacrifice kept them alive; I put them both through so much. But in the end they were still alive. Death was becoming more appealing as my time in that hell hole wore on. But I forced myself not to crack and become weak. That is what they expected of me, to crack. Women are the weaker sex.I proved them wrong. They released me after three months as a test. But I was brought in 6 months later for a 4-month stay.  
  
However, this time I was ready for what ever they could come up with because I was granted a second chance. My beautiful second chance, my divine answer, she was my sign. When I came out, I vowed that I would never give up my second chance. I would protect her at any cost. As she grew older, I felt pangs of sadness because I knew Sydney was out there somewhere hurting. I hated myself for that. I hated knowing that she hurt, that her heart had been ripped open and had yet to be closed. I kept an eye on her and Jack both. Jack crumbled without me; I saw it as time progressed. He had really loved Laura and Laura loved him. But so did I, I still do. I tried to right the past by turning myself in. Shooting Sydney was the final lash of guilt upon my heart. So I tried to right the past, I gave them my second chance.  
  
My youngest daughter, Danielle is a good child. She never caused me any trouble or added unnecessary pain, just the occasion spat or disagreement. Nothing more than that, she never pieced anything other than her ears, no tattoos, smoking, drugs or drinking. She went clubbing with her friends. But she still remained so innocent, she still is. But she had found her niche and that was what kept her out of trouble. But despite my best efforts, Danielle was still damaged. Khasinau was an ass and now he's dead. He was not a father to her and no matter how much I loved her she still longed for something unattainable. But when I turned myself in on that September day I put her longing within reach.  
  
Sydney had begun to heal long ago because of good friends. Her fiancé was the best medicine of all, but she ended up hurt all over again. But then along came Agent Vaughn, he had no father because I was forced to kill him. However, Sydney found her solace in him. As for Jack, his heart was still open and bleeding. Danielle changed that, he couldn't deny her, no one could. She healed him in a way that I couldn't. She let herself just be there. She never pushed, poked or prodded and in turn, he drew her in. She became his daughter, like she should have been all of those years ago.  
  
Then, she met Sydney. Their bond was instantaneous; it had been created so long ago. But like a seed in the ground, it had to grow and develop as the years passed. They healed each other; their sibling bond could not be broken. I never wanted either of my children in this life. They don't deserve to have their innocence pealed away. But they are and in a weird way, we have become a family again. Granted, we are a family of spies, but we are a family nonetheless.  
  
That night in Mexico City, a weight was lifted from my heart, but a hole was in its place. I had to leave my children again. I am a sinner, I am a bad mother. But I love them. That was the last night that I ever saw Sydney. Now she is gone, and that hole has grown bigger. Waves of guilt pass through me, she is gone. My child is gone.  
  
I sigh softly; I am standing in the back of the Los Angeles Ballet Venue. It has been eight weeks since Sydney disappeared. I can see Jack in the front row. Danielle had begged him to come. Although I know that it didn't take much begging. Danielle and Jack were broken, but they had each other. She always loved to fly. From the time she was three years old, she wanted to be a ballerina. She thought they flew as they leaped or were lifted in the air. I watched as her eyes sparkle, the only one I had seen since Sydney had gone. She was so happy, at peace. Nothing could stop her now. But I was wrong. As she flew into the air, her innocence was stripped away leaving her exposed. She fell back; her beautiful white costume was stained with blood. Her eyes rolled back in shock, I could hear screams, but all I saw was her lying there. My innocence had been peeled away. 


End file.
